Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
