I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"