On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
