Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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