i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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