miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN