my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game