shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
