And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Everyone says I win the strip club
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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