I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
