dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
