I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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