Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
