My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
