you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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