i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
