Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
