While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
