i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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