you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
