I smell stomach acid.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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