I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
