i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
