Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
