So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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