she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
