omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The uberlube is also flammable
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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