I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
