Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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