I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
