I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.