I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.