You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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