dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
