No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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