please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
