I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He has the fingertips of a God
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
