I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
