Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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