filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
