Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
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I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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