he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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