I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
