Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
