ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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