Just fell off a train. Bad.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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