Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
