She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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