so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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