if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
