you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
