does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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