At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
