Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
