So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
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there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
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they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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