I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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