idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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