and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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