I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
