Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You were trust falling into bushes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
