If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
