i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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