your parents love me but you hate me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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