I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
