Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
