i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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