I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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