It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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