How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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